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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23419024">nothing else can change my world</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thoughts/pseuds/thoughts'>thoughts</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bleach</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>BAMF Kuchiki Rukia, Character Study, F/M, Introspection, Rukia-centric, anyways i love her, kind of</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 09:15:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,837</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23419024</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thoughts/pseuds/thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>For years she remembers, she longs—<i>she endures.</i></p><p>Until she doesn't.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kuchiki Rukia/Kurosaki Ichigo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>64</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>nothing else can change my world</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>rukia-centric.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> そう、何ものも　わたしの世界を変えられはしない</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That's right, nothing else can change my world.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> ... </em>
</p><p>Her first memory is of darkness. She’s alone, hands and legs bound, gag around her mouth. She glances around what looks to be an abandoned shack, barely furnished with a distinct smell of death and dirt—a scent she will become accustomed to. </p><p>The door rattles, a rough voice grunts. A man opens the door only to find two cut ropes and a gag. He hears a roar and turns.</p><p>She’s only 9 when she makes her first kill.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>She’s thirsty. That’s the most prominent feeling she remembers. thirsty. thirsty. <em> thirsty</em>. It’s been nearly a week since she’s had a drop of water and her attempts at swiping any from the wretched so-called merchants of the 78th district of Rukongai have resulted in a fractured wrist and a black eye. </p><p>She manages to hole up in a make-shift shelter in a shallow cave, using a stain laden blanket (with more holes than there is blanket) that she managed to swipe from the dumpster of a home. It’s her safe place, bare as it is. She’s been cooped up there for the last 15 years. Her torn yukata swallows her petite frame, bones protruding from lack of food and water. She limps and staggers out for one more attempt at water when white flecks begin dancing down softly, she stops and stumbles down weakly, huffing shakily.</p><p><em> It’s winter. </em> She thinks. </p><p>She stares at the snow that’s falling and wonders what it’s like to shine and glisten and blend in with something as pure as the snow. She scoffs.</p><p>
  <em> Impossible. </em>
</p><p>Her vision is beginning to blur and she thinks it’s the end. She doesn’t mind. She has no attachments to this world, she won’t be mad if she doesn’t wake up tomorrow. She thinks <strike>pleads</strike>. She stares at the full moon, relentless, beautiful too. Her eyes close and she welcomes the darkness.</p><p>She curses when she wakes up to the most beautiful sunrise.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The sun is beating down on Rukongai, people swarming the streets trying to barter for already overpriced commodities. Vendors yelling out promotions while beggars line the alleyways, her purple irises gaze lazily around as she walks through the road, swiftly avoiding the large man that is about to topple over her, she makes her way to a merchant she’s never seen before. She smiles thinly.</p><p><em> This’ll be easy</em>. </p><p>She eyes a large man, one who she recognizes as a bad-variant of Rukongai—pillaging homes, wreaking havoc, uncaring of consequences that don’t exist. He approaches the stand and right before the merchant notices, she shoves <em> hard </em> and he fumbles into the display and turns angrily but she is long gone, dancing through the slew of people with a jar nearly half her size in her hands, she giggles.</p><p>It’s only pickled ume. She sniffs the jar and scrunches her nose. She had hoped for pickled vegetables or rice, but. Beggars can’t be choosers and she would never take for granted anything she could get her hands on. She could easily use the jar once finished for other things; she is resourceful, she always is.</p><p>She decides to go out for one more go, if she’s lucky she may even get her hands on some rice. She flitters out of her cave and with practiced ease finds her way back into town. She’s deciding her next target when she sees a boy around her age under a table. He’s tying a string to the merchant’s foot, she observes. A red haired boy runs and snags a jar, prompting the merchant to move forward, toppling the stand over.</p><p>“Now’s our chance!” The red haired one yells and they each grab a jar, and run.</p><p>“Stop you brats! You can beg forgiveness but I won’t listen!” He unties the rope and picks up a broken table leg, swinging madly.</p><p>They run and run but they’re getting tired, she can tell. She shouldn’t interfere. She shouldn’t. </p><p>But she does. </p><p>Before she can really comprehend what she’s doing her feet are on the dirt and she's sprinting past the four boys,  toward an angry man swinging a stick like a mad man, and she <em> slides</em>. Then, she stomps on his head a few times for good measure. <em> Selling water at such high prices.</em> She narrows her eyes in disgust and digs her foot in once more.</p><p>“Follow me! Do you want other people to come after your water?” She’s small, but her eyes pierce and her voice demands attention. They follow.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Renji.”</p><p>She looks up at the red haired boy. They’ve managed to escape with their street-rat knowledge of the maze of back roads that are scattered through the district and they stop to catch their breaths in an alley. Now that she’s had more time to look at the four of them, she realizes, they are all staring at her expectantly.</p><p>“That’s my name.” The red haired one—<em>Renji</em>, huffs eyes shifting off to the side, a little petulantly. She stares a little while longer before she chuckles.</p><p>“Well, what’s your name?” The one with hair covering his eyes, a poorly healed scar on his chin, smiles.</p><p>It’s been a long time since she’s had to say her name. It’s the one thing she remembers from her human life. It’s the one thing she can call her own. </p><p>“Rukia.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>She moves out of the cave and into the shared cabin. It’s tense, but not. Kids of all ages are lounging around divvying up food and water but there are a few who hoard what they have. Rukia doesn’t blame them, Rukongai is rough and the people are rougher. She only draws the line when an older boy spills a pouch of konpeitō and begins to yell at a younger one, she knocks him on his ass and offers her share of konpeitō to him.</p><p>Years pass, and the five of them are tight-knit, they work together and get enough food and water so that they don’t starve, they learn how to spear fish (Renji learns, Rukia already knows), they learn how to laugh. One night around a small fire they’ve set up, they’re arguing over who snagged the most food this week when Renji stands to tackle her because she cannot go a day without reminding him of his poor spearfishing abilities. She’s prepared for it, but not for the slip of his foot that lands him on his ass and suddenly, they’re screeching full fledged laughs, tears welling in the corner of their eyes and she wonders if this is what a family is like.</p><p>But then a food gathering mission goes wrong. And then there are four. </p><p>But they go on. </p><p>They go on and on, until it is just two. </p><p>On top of the cliff where her three brothers (yes, she decided, they are family) are buried she turns with purpose, with resolve. </p><p>“Renji.” She says his name, and his heart heart <em> burns</em>.</p><p>“Let’s become Shinigami.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>They’re both enrolled at Shinō Academy. They have spiritual powers, but what they don't have is a noble background. It’s obvious, the way they both can’t stop looking over their shoulders waiting for a bandit to attack, the way they wake up in the middle of the night because their brothers bloodied, lifeless faces will haunt them for years, the way they need to study ten times more because all they knew was how to survive, not how to properly answer questions in class. </p><p>But they endure. Time goes on and soon they’re as acclimated as one from their background might be, and they go on.</p><p>Renji seems to be fine, Rukia observes. He’s in the advanced class and when he’s not blowing himself up with kidō, he’s sparring alongside Kira Izuru and talking to Hinamori Momo about classes. There’s a small part of her that’s sad, they’re taking her family away but she squashes that feeling instantly, she’s glad. It’s well deserved.</p><p>She’s not doing as well. She knows she should be doubling on her efforts to study but she misses Renji. No one in her class has approached her and she supposes it’s her icy demeanor, she doesn’t mean it but it’s her default nature, can’t trust anyone in the slums. She stares out the window blankly, it’s been a long time since loneliness has found solace with her. She feels it creep throughout her and she shudders. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Kuchiki Byakuya.</p><p>She isn’t entirely unfamiliar with the name. They’ve learned about the Gotei 13 in great lengths, and not only is Kuchiki Byakuya an esteemed captain, he is also the head of one of the four noble clans in Soul Society. </p><p>He’s here to see her. He’s here to-to <em> adopt her</em>. </p><p>She is told it is because she resembles his late wife and she’s confused, and a little suspicious. But then Renji’s running into the room, exuberant about passing an exam and they leave her with a million thoughts whirling in a hundred different directions, she looks up to the red haired, spiky ponytail boy that’s been with her through the dredges of Rukongai all the way to the Academy and nearly cries.</p><p>“Renji.”</p><p>He startles at the noise, his senses wrecked by the sheer force of Kuchiki Byakuya’s reiatsu and he's left shaken.</p><p>“O-oh, Rukia, what’s up? That seemed pretty intense.” He questions, still not entirely all there, “What was that about?”</p><p>She pauses. He reacts.</p><p>“The Kuchiki Family,” she begins, cutting him off, “wants to adopt me as their daughter. They’ll let me graduate right away and make arrangements for me to put me in one of the 13 Court Squads.” she finishes, eyes cast down, blank.</p><p>“Renji...I-”</p><p>He grabs her shoulders, “You did it, Rukia!” he shouts and rambles about the power the Kuchiki household has and the meals she will get to eat as nobility, and he’s happy for her, she deserves the life of luxury and safety; if anyone, Rukia. His excitement overruns her silence and trembling, so she grabs his forearm with both her hands and looks up. He pauses. Her eyes search.</p><p>He’s made his choice, now she’ll make hers. </p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>And she doesn’t look back.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>She’s officially part of the Kuchiki Clan.</p><p>She moves in and is lost in the sheer size of the manor, the amount of servants he has attending the place, and her etiquette lessons. Apparently, it is necessary for a Kuchiki to always be poised and regal, graceful but never haughty. Born and raised in the slums of Rukongai, Rukia isn’t expecting much from herself. Rukongai is rough, it taints the purest of souls and she’ll be damned if the first lesson she learned in Rukongai wasn’t to carry a knife on her at all times,<em> especially </em> if she was walking at night alone (several men had learned—oh they learned).</p><p>Regardless of how she feels, she <em> excels </em> at the etiquette lessons. Renji would say there’d always been a sense of refinement in everything she did (how she managed to look elegant while conning a man out of sake he would never know). But she’s in the cleanest room she’s ever seen with more food than she can consume and she’s <em> fitting in</em>. </p><p>She hates it. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Lonely.</p><p>That’s the only feeling she’s experienced the last few years she’s been living as a Kuchiki. She joins the 13th Division without hassle, her brother is Kuchiki-Taichou after all, but it’s tepid at best. She’s moved into the barracks and is promised that she won’t be treated any differently than a member of the division but she hears. She hears.</p><p>When it is just her and fellow 13th division members she feels their accusing gazes, <em> She got in without even graduating from the Academy. </em>She walks through the division, learning where the training grounds are, where they are allowed to roam, and where she’ll go to remember.</p><p><em> Nobles always get shit handed to them. </em> They scoff and glare<em>. She doesn’t deserve it</em>. She’s turning around a corner and it’s been a few days and she is fed up, but she will not react, she is a Kuchiki. She sighs. She wonders when she’ll be able to see her brothers again, she misses them.</p><p>She makes her way to the barracks when loud footsteps barrel toward her, unflinching, she turns to find herself face-to-face with a man who’s eyes burn fierce, and she falters.</p><p>“H-huh?”</p><p>“Is that anyway to treat your lieutenant? Huh?” He stares her down, eyes accusing but somehow, for once, she’s not left feeling like she’s being crushed by the weight of the Kuchiki name. She stares, and he continues.</p><p>“I’m Shiba Kaien, your lieutenant.” He peers down at her, and a hand is coming for her head and she’s tenses, ready to deflect, and he. <em> Ruffles </em> her hair, albeit harshly because, “Is that anyway to speak to your superior? Ah?” His face is irritated, he sulks and his eye twitches but his hand is soft against her head.</p><p>“N-No. Nice to meet you, Lieutenant.” She firmly responds, all the poise and grace she can muster while her hair is being disheveled by this behemoth of a man, and he smiles, crooked and gentle.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Life is different after she meets her lieutenant. There are still a few whispers here and there but most have noticed her efforts in training and maintaining the 13th Division’s quarters and it is enough to dispel the initial wariness. She doesn’t qualify for a seated officer. Rukia isn’t surprised, she’s got a ways to go with all four of the basic forms of combat for Shinigami, and she refuses to gain anything more from the Kuchiki name.</p><p>She ends up at a grassy patch tucked in a corner of one of the training fields, after a tough training session, her kidō has improved exceptionally and she’s slowly making her way up in the ranks and she’s <em> proud</em>. But today’s the anniversary of the day her and Renji left the slums of Rukongai to a better life and she wishes she could see him. They haven’t talked in years and it hurts, but she learns to endure, she always has. </p><p>She sighs, unaware of a man sitting next to her until he presses a fist into her head and gives the worst noogie she’s ever received from him and she’s yelping and he’s laughing and he tells her that as long as she is in his division, he’ll always be by her side, even in death. </p><p>She breathes, ready to respond but Kiyone and Sentarō stumble out behind a bush, cheeks rosy and a stench of sake oozes off of them. They are screeching out their support for Rukia, praising Kaien-dono to the heavens and he is tackling them down to the ground, shouting about tact and idiocy but he’s stifling a smile and so is she.</p><p>This is the lightest she’s felt in years.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>She’s steady in her progress with her combat techniques. She works closely with Kaien-dono, achieving Shikai while they are in the forest training, he whoops and she stares in awe because she’s growing stronger on her own accord and this feeling of achievement swells her heart and its one she wants to keep in a box inside because it’s <em> precious </em> and she wants to remember this moment forever.</p><p>She learns her Shikai's first two dances by Kaien-dono’s side.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Miyako-san is Kaien-dono’s wife, and Rukai adores her. She is strong and refined, but kind and takes no shit. Rukia thinks she’d like to be just like her when she’s older. Miyako-san and Kaien-dono are talking, in hushed voices but their body language shelves out a space for just the two and there’s something tender about the concern in Kaien-dono’s eyes as they talk about Miyako-san’s latest mission. She is going to lead a reconnaissance team to investigate a Hollow that has been slaying all Shinigami that goes after it. She eases his concerns, whispering that it’s only to investigate, no combat required, and she’s off on her last mission.</p><p>She’s the only one that makes it back alive. Kaien-dono is relieved and stays by her side as she heals but one night when she’s left to rest, she rises, makes her way to the night patrol and they greet her with smiles, she greets them with a sword through their chests. They let out guttural screams and people are waking up to the racket and Ukitake-Taichou, Kaien-dono, and Rukia run up to the scene horrified, because it isn’t the Miyako-san they know it’s a morphed hollow smiling at them, laughing.</p><p>Kaien-dono lunges with a roar, and Hollow-Miyako taunts that she had been dead long before she arrived back to the 13th Division, it was inside acting as her, waiting. Kaien-dono thrusts his sword in pure anger, teeth gritted and eyes hardened, Rukia knows he won’t stop until this Hollow is destroyed. Hollow-Miyako flees from their quarters and Kaien-dono gives chase, Ukitake-Taichou orders Rukia to follow as they leap through the forest and rain pelts down on them unforgivingly. The hollow sheds Miayko-san’s body and reveals its original form, it can possess people and moves unlike normal hollows, they all notice. </p><p>She watches the hollow break Kaien-dono’s zanpakutō and she moves to join, to help, the way he has helped her but a hand stops her from jumping down. She turns, questions and hurt shine in her eyes, <em> why</em>.</p><p>“There are two kinds of fights, Rukia. Ones for your life, and ones for your honor. Would you damage the honor of your lieutenant so easily?” His voice is calm and his eyes are gazing at the fight but his words cut like a knife. She stills and watches. </p><p>She watches as the Hollow strikes Kaien-dono and begins to morph with the hollow and she doesn’t think she’ll forget the emptiness of his eyes as hollowed Kaien-dono grins at her. Ukitake-Taichou yells at her to run, to get away and she’s turning, staggering into branches and <em> running</em>. But then Ukitake-Taichou coughs and for once, she disobeys her captain's order and braces to fight. She unsheathes her sword because she needs to help him, she needs to save him, she needs to get that hollow out of him.</p><p>And then her sword is in his chest. </p><p>She remembers the Hollow Kaien-dono rasping out, <em> Is he that dear to you?  </em></p><p>
  <em> Are you in love with him? </em>
</p><p>Was she? She doesn’t know. But she’s trembling and her eyes are open in terror as Kaien-dono’s<strike> dead</strike> full weight rests on her, a hand comes to her back, softly, always so <em> so softly.</em></p><p>“Thank you.” He shakily breathes out. He apologizes for bringing her into this and she grips the back of his shihakusho so tightly her knuckles burn white. “...I can... leave my heart behind.” </p><p>His hand falls, he stops breathing—he’s dead. </p><p>She thinks a part of her dies with him.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>She will bring him back to his family. </p><p>Ukitake-Taichou tries to change her mind, he offers to instead but, but. He knows she must, and she knows it too. The rain isn't letting up and neither is her grip on Kaien-dono’s shihakusho as she drags his lifeless body through the forest. Her sword is out, Kaien-dono’s blood dried in a pattern she isn’t likely to forget and she walks. </p><p>She walks.</p><p>There’s blood on her cheek, she thinks distantly.</p><p>Step. </p><p>Step. </p><p>Step.</p><p>It’s silent. </p><p>She sees a house in the middle of the clearing, it’s bright, two fists made of stone reside on two sides, it’s undoubtedly a Shiba household, strong and bold. It’s the longest walk, she treads up and through a path that feels eerily near to damnation, she’s on her way to judgement and she doesn’t mind.</p><p>It’s what she deserves.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Wake up, train, patrol, train, train, train. It’s a constant cycle, one that she lives for many years, everyone notices, they try to help. Words of support laced with pitying gazes weighs on her as she’s practicing her kidō, <em> it’s not your fault</em>, they all say but she glimpses the empty seat next to Ukitake-Taichou, and her eyes glaze as she lingers on a distant memory of laughter intertwined with head ruffles and patience and loyalty that burns her to the very core to think about. </p><p>She goes to the forest where they used to train, there’s a tug in her chest that longs for the feeling of his reiatsu next to hers, warm and steady. It’s impossible, she knows. Doesn’t stop her from longing.</p><p>So she wills herself to endure, because she can—she always has. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>She learns to be, to go on. It’s not necessarily better, but it works. She’s gotten closer to Kiyone and Sentarō because they adore her nearly to the same degree as Ukitake-taichou and sometimes she even laughs. It still hurts but her friends in the 13th division help, but being in the Kuchiki Manor doesn’t. She’s grown to respect and appreciate her brother, but. </p><p>She doesn't quite know how to act around him—still. It bothers her because it’s not in her to be meek but the air around him always commands a silence, a respect that she has come to give, and that’s about all she can do. There is no laughter in the manor, peace and silence are rampant on sleepless nights and she stares at the ceiling wishing it would swallow her up, it’s endless and deep, lulling her in; she always welcomes it. </p><p>She’s off to a mission in the human world, but it goes by so quickly she cannot remember what the purpose is for. She stares at the setting sun and wonders what it’s like to live, her life in the human world had been all of five months before ending up in the streets of Rukongai. <em> It’s beautiful</em>, she’s stationed on a telephone pole observing the humans and she’s a little perplexed. </p><p>She looks at a group of girls, dressed in matching outfits, each has a bow over their sweaters and they're all laughing. Arms linked together they’re smiling and talking to each other, heads huddled and a chorus of tinkling laughter echoes around them. She’s a little jealous, what she wouldn't give to just let go, to be free and <em> laugh</em>. It’s been a long time, the image hurts and she uses shunpo and flashes to the Senmonkai, and she’s back in Soul Society.</p><p>The sight of happiness makes her bitter and she does everything to forget it, she doesn’t deserve it.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It’s been a few years and she’s as okay as can be. She’s dutily carrying out 13th division errands, training and being a Kuchiki. She’s called to Ukitake-taichou’s quarters where he relays her next assignment. She’s going to a town called Karakura and to destroy any hollows that appear within that town, she is the Shinigami assigned for a month. He acknowledges that it should be easy for one of her caliber, and asks if she would like to tell her brother. </p><p>She doesn’t.</p><p>She knows he dislikes being bothered with minor issues, so she opts to forgo telling him, he probably won’t even realize she’s gone, it is only a month. Ukitake-taichou offers to tell him in her stead, as she prepares for her month-long trip (she really doesn’t need anything but), and she thanks him. She’s off to the Senkaimon and it is on the other side that she meets Urahara Kisuke.</p><p>He provides her with a device that is supposed to alert her of any Hollow activity, she listens as Urahara explains that it is a cell phone, one that all humans have. It is used to communicate with each other, though the function of her’s is solely for hollow activity, he had created it to ensure her ability to blend in with the humans. </p><p>She breathes, she doesn’t like the human world, it reminds her of warmth and freedom and she’s long given up on trying to find that. She thanks Urahara and flashes to a telephone pole, a high vantage point, she can see most of the town and is ready to fulfill her duty as the Shinigami of the town. The moon is bright behind her, it illuminates her as her eyes track any movement and spiritual energy. She is one with the night as she patrols, blending in seamlessly, though she knows no one can really sense her, she flash steps and flitters through sections of the town, it’s quiet—she twitches, when it’s quiet she can hear herself think, it’s no fun.</p><p>She’s in the middle of the town when she stops. She feels a spiritual energy that isn't hollow-like but it’s—it’s thrumming as if it’s restrained, it lashes out at her and she flinches, it's <em> strong </em> and raw but is ever so slight. She goes to investigate, she appears in a room and before she is able to process anything, she’s being flung into a wall by a socked foot. She splutters up and suddenly an orange-haired boy is yelling at her—something about burglars and being robbed—she doesn’t know nor does she really care, she’s just shocked he can see her, let alone <em> touch </em> her. </p><p>“Y-you can see me?” She questions, voice bewildered and hair a little ruffled from being sent into the wall.</p><p>“Huh? Of course. Now, you wanna explain why you’re trying to rob me, Shorty?” He peers over her, towering as she stands several inches shorter, arms crossed and eyes unimpressed, how she is acting so refined when she is in a random strangers house—he cannot fathom but then he’s being sucker-punched in the stomach and keels over on the ground as she sits on his bed.</p><p>“I’m a Shinigami.” She replies, staring at this <em> boy </em> who is glaring at her, annoyed as she proceeds to tell him what her duties are. He scoffs, and insults her <em> again </em> and so she binds him with kidō and begins to explain using her amazing artistic abilities. She finishes with flourish and he has the gall to think her drawings have made it more confusing and she nearly hits him again when he asks her what the sound is.</p><p>She frowns, she cannot hear anything, and she waits, faintly, she hears wailing and alerts. She glances at the orange-haired boy, <em> how could he hear that?  </em>She doesn’t have time to dwell as the hollow appears outside the house and she’s up in less than a second, yelling at him to stay there.</p><p>She’s running through the hallway and sees a dark-haired girl lying unconscious in the corridor, she continues past turning back around when she hears grunting and see’s the orange-haired boy trying to <em> break free </em> of the binds and she’s rendered almost speechless when he <em> does</em>. She explains the situation, and before she can comprehend anything, he is running toward the hollow full-speed, she futilely yells at him to stop. She sees a light brown-haired girl in the claws of the hollow and curses, the orange-haired boy is relentless, he’s roaring and she moves. She slices up, and the hollow screeches, releasing the girl, <em> Yuzu</em>, she thinks she heard.  </p><p>She sees it before it happens. He’s running in anger towards the hollow as its claws descend and she’s in front of the rash boy before she realizes. It hurts, her breath shudders and <em> it hurts</em>. Her blurring vision can’t quite block out the fierceness of those amber eyes as they widen in surprise. He’s shaken, but he’s angry. She doesn’t know how but she feels his determination pierce her and she stares back, it’s a moment in time that she thinks she’ll remember forever. Amber eyes clash with her purple irises illuminated by the full moon, conviction and promise shine brightly in his eyes.</p><p>“I can transfer some of my power into you.” She starts, breathing shallowly as her wound continues to bleed. He’s in front of her, eyes <em> burning,</em> her sword poised, the sharp tip brushes the front of his shirt, their eyes lock.</p><p>“Rukia.” She speaks softly but with a clarity she hasn’t used in years.</p><p>“Ichigo.” He responds, eyes still burning.</p><p>Again, her sword is in a chest.</p><p>She means to give only half but somehow he ends up draining her of nearly all her power and she's baffled and huffing as she stops the bleeding of her wound. His sword is entirely too large, she thinks, it’s massive and she wonders how it’s possible but he’s attacking the hollow with vigor and strength, finishing it off with a roar.</p><p>He’s by her side in an instant, eyes shrouded in concern, she’s weak but she hears the clicks of geta and looks up to eyes shadowed by a green and white striped hat. He offers a gigai and she takes it. She needs to recuperate her spiritual energy and as weak as she is, she is of no use as a Shinigami. She tells Ichigo to look after his sisters as she heaves herself up. </p><p>Urahara is long gone and she limps toward the hollow, its body disintegrating into nothing. </p><p>She breathes out.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The next day Ichigo wakes up, he’s still thinking about the short girl—Rukia, his mind supplies—and the events that unfolded the night before. His thoughts are interrupted as his dad barges into his room yelling about his laziness and Ichigo responds with a kick to his face. He’s walking out the door headed to school and while it seems so normal, his mind is still whirling, <em> What was that? How’d I get a sword? Where is Rukia?</em> he shakes his head and enters his classroom. Whatever. He scratches his head, he’ll figure it out, eventually.</p><p>He doesn’t though. Because there’s a girl that looks exactly like Rukia, except she’s in a uniform and she’s speaking in the highest pitch possible, but that doesn’t stop him from staring dumbly as she introduces herself and flitters to her seat. He sits in pure shock until the break bell sings and she’s in front of him smiling brightly, she leans down right next to his ear.</p><p>“You tell anyone, and you’re <em> dead</em>.” She uprights herself and pulls him outside, their classmates are left staring and immediately as soon as they are out of the classroom, everyone’s buzzing about the new girl and Kurosaki Ichigo. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Soon enough, it’s like a routine. He’s rightly shocked when she slams open his closet—she’s been <em> sleeping </em> there the whole time and he thinks he’s going to lose his mind. They walk to school every morning, arguing about something, she always wins—with a punch to the face after he insults her height. She’s always bright and uses that voice he hates, but she’s always there. She teaches him about hollows and souls, what it means to be a Shinigami. He teaches her about vending machines and elevators, how to open juice boxes. </p><p>He doesn’t really think it’s a fair trade off considering how he now has the power to protect, but the way she’s always gives him her juice boxes to open or the way she tugs at his sleeve when she has a question, eyes wide with confusion has him shaking his head, a small smile on his face as he chuckles, maybe it isn’t too bad. </p><p>She helps him whenever there is a hollow, standing short but somehow so much taller than him, her arms are crossed, stance wide as she yells with confidence. Her voice at his back and her eyes, her unwavering eyes are more comforting than he lets on as he fulfills his duties as the new Shinigami of Karakura.</p><p>The rumors at school don’t really stop and neither of them actively try to dissuade any of them—they don’t really care. It’s normal, Rukia running in, pulling Ichigo out of the classroom as he tries to resist, shouting back at her, the class erupt into giggles. It’s a side of Ichigo that they've never seen, aside from Tatsuki who shakes her head, she wonders if Ichigo even realizes. </p><p>They come back, hair disheveled, clothes a little scrunched, breathing hard. Everyone stares, Rukia is phenomenal with her acting and all the Sensel <em> adore </em> her so there’s never punishment and he snorts while she sneakily kicks him in the shin, muttering under her breath. He rolls his eyes, but his eyes linger on her in a way that’s entirely too soft and tender.</p><p>It’s subtle but everyone sees it. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It’s the 17th of June, and Ichigo is acting weird. He’s silent and extremely distracted, he’d asked her for the day off and she had initially refused but he revealed that it was the anniversary of his mother’s death and her eyes softened. She concedes, she has her pills that Urahara had given her, she’d be alright. She notices his eyes are hardened and downcast but she lets him be, he’ll tell her when he wishes. </p><p>She waits for Ichigo on the road to the cemetery. He shows up, his family in tow and she waves brightly, his sisters ask if he knows her and he scrambles towards her screaming about setting her straight or something and she’s swept away. She stands, as always, arms crossed, stance wide and speaks.</p><p>“I’m curious. She was killed, right? You said you’re mother was-”</p><p>“No, I didn’t.”</p><p>She pauses, she isn’t sure about what she’s about to say but she can’t help herself. “You told me you saw spirits from a young age. So answer this.” She pauses again, but forges on. “Could your mother have been killed by...a hollow?” She reasons that it may have been plausible because if he had spiritual energy when he was younger then-</p><p>“No. No way!” He roars, voice hoarse. And his eyes glint because he sees something and he’s running toward it and she runs after him calling his name. She catches up to him, huffing, asking why he ran and she looks down, he’s on his knees.</p><p>“It-It wasn’t a hollow…that killed my mom.” He’s still kneeled over, forehead on the ground, she can’t see but she is almost certain his eyes are clenched shut, “It was me.”</p><p>She’s an idiot. She left him alone, murmuring that she’d be on patrol. She puts her hand on his shoulder, squeezes and she’s gone. She curses inwardly, she shouldn’t have done that, and she vows she won’t ask about it anymore. </p><p>Kon begs her to go home, that she should just let Ichigo be, but something in her gut is telling her to stay, so she does. There’s a force of spiritual energy that erupts some distance away, and she’s alerted almost immediately. She frowns, she hasn’t received any notifications from her phone and she’s scrambling down the stairs from the cliff she’s perched on. </p><p>As she’s bounding down the stairs she meets Ichigo halfway and always, their eyes connect before anything is said. They turn and they give a nod of acknowledgement to each other but it’s oddly silent, for them. </p><p>“...Aren’t you gonna ask me anything?” He grunts, eyes focused forward. Her eyes stay ahead too.</p><p>“Would you answer me if I did?”</p><p>He glances at her.</p><p>“It’s your business.” She’s running, so is he but he waits to speak. “I don’t know how to ask about it...without dredging up your pain, rubbing salt on that wound. I don’t know what to say, so I’ll wait. When you feel like talking, when you want to tell me...I’ll listen.”</p><p>They’re still running but.</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>And they’re nearly to the clearing, when they see Karin injured on the ground and Yuzu in the clutches of the hollow. Ichigo surges forward and strikes his blade down, grabbing Yuzu and Karin he slices again, cutting off its claws and he turns. He recognizes this young girl, it’s the same one six years ago. He rests his sisters on a nearby rock and Rukia arrives to the clearing with Ichigo’s body on her back. She hides all of them and walks toward the hollow. She relays all the information to Ichigo, this hollow has been a pain in the ass for Soul Society for years, it’s been hiding under the radar, a low-life. </p><p>He listens, but then he’s charging, it’s stupid and reckless and she tells him. They battle, exchanging blows and at one point it wraps its arm around Ichigo so she begins chanting for a kidō spell to help when he interrupts. He begs her to stay out of it, to take care of Karin and Yuzu, she adamantly refuses.</p><p>“Please...stay out of it. This one is...personal.” </p><p>He ends the argument before it begins and she knows, it’s something he must do. She grabs his sisters and uses Kon to soul transfer into Ichigo’s body to help her carry the two girls. <em> Don’t die, Ichigo</em>. She glances back one last time and runs with Kon-Ichigo towards a hut, gingerly places the both of them there. She assigns Kon-Ichigo to stay there and protect them and she tries to stay but Kon-Ichigo is fervently trying to make her help Ichigo, he’s in seiza, forehead to the ground, and begs her to help him. </p><p>She gives in and hurries back over, praying he’s holding his own.</p><p><em> Will he even want my help? </em>She flashes to the ledge that overlooks their battle. Every part of her being is telling her to jump into the fray, to protect him but a tiny bit of her holds her back. A memory she thought she’d buried long ago. <em> What about his honor? </em>The memory is clear as day, suddenly she’s back there, next to Ukitake-taichou. </p><p>
  <em> There are two types of battles, fighting for your life, and fighting to preserve your honor. </em>
</p><p>She clenches her arm, knuckles white and she grits her teeth and like a mantra she says, “Stay out of it.”</p><p>“Stay out of it.”</p><p>“Stay out of it.” </p><p>Her heart constricts, she’s in anguish but she stays. “Ichigo...you better not die!” she whispers, she stares at the scene, it’s taking everything in her from going down but she’ll always remember,</p><p>
  <em> Would you damage the honor of your lieutenant so easily? </em>
</p><p>So she watches as he slices and jumps, bleeding heavily from his wounds. He manages to slice of its arm and it’s clear they are both near their ends, huffing and gasping for air. Rukia dashes down, calling his name. He turns to look at her, leaning on his sword heavily, “What took you so long… to get here…I already beat him.” he pants out.</p><p>Her eyes are soft, “Ichigo, you fool...you told me to stay out of it.”</p><p>“You thought I was serious?” He chuckles, but there’s movement behind him and she’s yelling out a warning and before any of them know it, the hollow has lunged toward him. Luckily, his reflexes allow him to dodge the blow but the hollow is fusing with the clone that looks like his mother, laughing and jumps into the night.</p><p>Ichigo tries to go after it but Rukia knows he’s too injured to do anything else, she’s stopping him and he’s trying to push past her, until he’s not. His eyes shutter and go blank, and then he’s falling toward her. It suddenly dawns on her that it’s raining.</p><p>She gently moves him on her lap as Kon-Ichigo appears, she reassures him that Ichigo is alright.</p><p>“Thank you... for not dying, Ichigo.”</p><p>She’s had enough of death and rain.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It takes a few days for his wounds to heal but once they are, everything seems to go back to normal—as normal as it gets for them. The rumors at school have seemingly increased and now everyone is watching them. There’s something different about them, no one knows what but they <em> feel </em> it, they see it.</p><p>It’s in the way he’ll perch his elbows on her head when he arrives to a conversation, and she’ll punch him in the gut when she thinks no ones looking. It’s in the way he still opens her juice boxes even though she clearly knows how, he always swipes it out of her hand and she’s learned to just give it to him. It’s in the way they walk, huddled together, her hip to his thigh, they’re never holding hands, but their proximity screams comfort, a certain closeness that no one can ever breach.</p><p>They make friends with Ishida Uryū and Inoue Orihime, Yasutora Chad has always been Ichigo’s friend, but the five of them make up a pseudo hollow-destroying group of people. Rukia grins to herself, she’s never had a lot of friends but the world of the living is proving to slowly undo her carefully built walls.</p><p>She gets a notification on her cell, it’s another hollow. She props up and runs to the classroom, she calls his name and he goes. She calls and he heeds. Ishida rolls his eyes, he wonders if they even realize the gossip they cause every time there’s a hollow. </p><p>Like clockwork, they come back, clothes rumpled, hair messy, panting. No punishment courtesy of Rukia and she’s smiling that fake (but precious) smile the Sensei love and they are walking to their seats. Ichigo’s hand is on her lower back, guiding her and she flicks his wrists because her seat is on the opposite side of his and he’s dumb.</p><p>They’re both hiding smiles.</p><p>Tatsuki stares, she can’t remember the last time she’s seen Ichigo smile. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It’s a warm night, humid and hot, neither of them can sleep. Rukia is used to not sleeping, but she can hear Ichigo tossing and turning and it’s <em> bothering </em>her so she slams the closet door open. She’s wearing his shirt, it’s the one that says “NICE VIBES” on it (it’s her favorite and it’s hers now) along with Chappy pyjama shorts and he stares because that’s where his shirt went. </p><p>He scowls, “I like that shirt, you know.” He’s still staring and she’s staring back because their eyes always speak volumes, Ichigo isn’t one for words and she can read his eyes like a Chappy children’s book.</p><p>“It’s mine now, idiot.” She sniffs and turns her head, she knows he won’t win this argument, so does he. He sighs and suddenly there’s a dip next to him and Rukia’s there. On his bed. His ears burn and he almost yells, but Rukia puts her hand over his mouth, shushing him, hissing, “Do you want to wake your family up?” </p><p>He swallows behind her tiny hand still covering his mouth and his ears are still burning but he’s composed himself as well as he can. She removes her hand warily, eyeing him suspiciously.</p><p>He rolls his eyes, “What are you doing?” </p><p>“Sitting.”</p><p>He pushes an index finger to her forehead and she’s sent flopping on her back on the bed. “No shit, you smartass, <em> why</em>?”</p><p>“I can hear you thinking, fool. I can’t sleep if you keep tossing and turning.” She’s still lying down but her eyes are looking at him. He has the grace to blush, but easily retorts, “I told you it was a bad idea to sleep in MY room, but you never listen.”</p><p>“And, where exactly would I sleep, genius?” </p><p>“...Outside.”</p><p>And her foot is lodged into his side and he’s chuckling, she’s too predictable but he likes that. He’s still sitting on the end of the bed and she’s still lying down, but they’re still looking at each other. She’s silent because she knows he wants to say something, she always knows. She waits.</p><p>It takes him a few minutes, but he starts talking about his mother. She listens, never speaking a word, lets him work out what he wants to say, how he wishes to say it, lets the tears fall in silence—it’s all she can do. He tells her of the day she died, how he had run off and how she had protected him. But he also talks about the memories before that day, how they’d go on picnics, how he’d cry at kendo practice when he would lose but would smile every time his mother came to pick him up.</p><p>He glances at the photograph on his bed, so does Rukia, who’s sitting up. “She’s beautiful.” she mutters, “She sounds amazing, to be able to make <em> your </em> face go all smiley.” She’s smiling, her eyes convey appreciation, trust, acknowledgement. He snorts but fondly looks at the picture, “Yeah, she’s pretty amazing.”</p><p>She’s still staring, but her eyes are gentle, she knows what sleepless nights feel like, knows what they mean. She reaches for his hand and tugs him down next to her, he splutters because he is a 17 year old <em> boy </em> and she rolls her eyes. She blankets her reiatsu around them and covers his eyes, “Sleep.” she mutters, softly.</p><p>She’s surprisingly cool, and her cold hands on his eyes are nice. He’s calm, he can feel her reiatsu and his reaches out to intertwine and she flinches a little because it’s unexpected but. </p><p>It’s the best he’s slept in years.</p><p>It’s the best she’s ever slept in her life.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>She’s getting attached. She can feel it in the worry that seeps from her when she sees Ishida bandaged up, in the way that she seeks Orihime’s advice on Chappy merchandise, in the way her eyes unconsciously search for amber irises. She curses, her gigai was supposed to help restore her Shinigami powers, but she’s felt herself grow bones and realizes she’s stayed in it for too long. </p><p>She’s fading; it’s time to go.</p><p>She leaves a coded message to Ichigo, telling him not to look for her, to go into hiding. She’s somber as she turns to face the Kurosaki Clinic one last time, to take it all in. Then she’s off.</p><p>She doesn’t make it very far when a sword comes barging down on her. It takes all of her to dodge the second lunge, she’s still in her gigai and her reflexes are inhibited greatly. She stumbles back, looks up and her voice gets caught in her throat. She knows that red hair.</p><p>“Renji.”</p><p>“You’ve gotten soft, Rukia. Giving your powers to some <em> human</em>?” He sneers, his eyes never leave hers as he walks toward her. He’s gotten stronger, she senses it. </p><p>“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She’s never been intimidated by him, and she won’t start now. Her eyes betray nothing, she hasn’t seen him in years and he can’t read her anymore, not like before. He demands to see the human that’s taken her powers but there’s no way in hell she’s giving that up, she glares at him with a fierceness he had forgotten.</p><p>And while she’s not intimidated by Renji, she most certainly is of her brother, who appears behind her old friend, eyes baring down on her. It’s been a long time since she’s felt the weight of his gaze and something in her trembles and withers down. She’s so distracted by the arrival of her brother that she nearly loses her arm when Renji attacks, she’s only saved by an arrow of spiritual energy that intervenes and Renji jumps back.</p><p>Ishida is there, hand poised ready to quiver another arrow and he gazes at Rukia. She tries to tell him to run, to get away but Renji’s already swinging and in a matter of minutes, Ishida is on the ground, severely injured and Rukia is horrified, regret settling deep in her stomach, <em> this is her fault</em>.</p><p>Then, Ichigo arrives, brash and loud, unwavering. He catches her eye before anything else, like always, and she can see the anger and betrayal reflected in those warm eyes. Her breath catches, she can’t let him get hurt, she screams at him to stop, to run. She’s desperate, but he’s Ichigo and in true Ichigo-fashion, he faces Renji head-on and they clash, Ichigo’s zanpakutō sings as it deflects Renji’s, he’s doing well but Rukia knows how this ends.</p><p>She jumps on Renji before he can make a fatal cut and as she struggles with him, Byakuya steps forward and is gone in an instant, wounding Ichigo. Rukia runs toward Ichigo but is cut off by a hand that grabs her before she can reach him.</p><p>“He looks like <em> him</em>.” </p><p>She whirls around and her eyes <em> rage</em>. But they are interrupted when Ichigo grabs Byakuya’s legs, she stares down at Ichigo and she knows what she must do.</p><p>
  <em> Thwack </em>
</p><p>Her foot connects with his hand as she kicks it off her brother’s leg. She puts on her best Kuchiki-voice, “How dare you lay your hands on my brother’s shihakusho. Know your place, boy!” she snaps coldly, her eyes—those warm eyes—are replaced by a dull, dark gaze. </p><p>“Let us go, Nii-sama. Take me to Soul Society, I will humbly pay for my crimes.” In a well practiced Kuchiki-voice, she does not falter, her voice clear, cold. She convinces her brother to heed him no more, that he’s already as good as dead. Ichigo’s calling out to her, telling her to quit joking, she can hear him grunting in pain and her heart squeezes.</p><p>“Move an inch from there...try coming after me...and I’ll never forgive you.” She turns to him one last time, her face is pinched as if she’s the one with a fatal injury, her eyebrows are pulled together, but her eyes are sad. Their eyes linger on each other, they always do.</p><p>She turns away first. </p><p>She doesn’t look back.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>She’s being kept in the 6th division’s barracks while Central 46 determines her sentence. She doesn’t eat, she stays quiet, she stares.</p><p>Renji comes by, tries to make her eat, she just makes fun of his eyebrows. He tells her that Byakuya is trying to appeal for her sentence to be reduced, that he won’t stand by and let her be killed. She agrees, “You’re right. He’ll kill me himself.”</p><p>Renji stares. </p><p>“I know very well, the kind of person he is. In the forty years since I’ve been taken in by the Kuchiki family, not once, has he even looked at me.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>She receives her sentence from her brother himself. In 25 days she will be executed. Renji is on the other side, protesting, he can’t be <em> serious</em>? Byakuya is only staring at Rukia.</p><p>“This is the last time I will speak with you, Rukia. The next time I see you will be at the execution.”</p><p>She’s not sad, necessarily. It does hurt that somehow, even after effectively sentencing her to death, she still feels like her brother hasn’t looked at her, not truly. She can sense Renji brooding, and though he’s left her—ignored her for years—she makes some lame joke about escaping and taunts his eyebrows until he’s raging and stomping out the door. </p><p>Her eyes are blank, she’d forgotten the suffocating feeling of being alone.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>His name is Yamada Hanatarō, he serves as the cleaner of her cell. She recognizes the emblem of the 4th division on his shihakusho. The very first thing she tells him is to stop using honorifics when addressing her. He’s rightfully shocked because no noble would <em> ever</em>. But she’s adamant and kind, he actually looks forward to going to the cell everyday. </p><p>She tells him of a man, named Ichigo. She talks about his bravery, his unwavering loyalty, his determination. She talks about how it’s her fault for changing his life, for making him suffer, she thinks it’ll be her one regret. </p><p>14 days before her execution, she’s transferred to the Senzaikyū, a dense building made of spirit reducing stone and as soon as she steps inside her senses are dulled she can’t feel a grain of energy. There’s a sliver that acts as a window, it stares directly at the Sōkyoku, the one that will carry out her execution.</p><p>She smiles thinly, <em> it’s kind of fucked up </em>. She’ll have to stare at the thing that’s going to execute her, she supposes that it’s what she deserves, she’s a criminal after all. </p><p>Renji tells her that there are rumors of five Ryoka invading, one matching Ichigo’s description to a tee (though his looks are so unique that it’s absolutely Ichigo but— she can’t hope). She glances up, thinking about Kaien-dono and she wonders if she’s worth spilling blood over.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The door is wrenched open and in walks Hanatarō, he’s visibly relieved and shouts her name as he walks closer. She pauses at the man who stands next to Hanatarō, the clan symbol on his arm sleeves is too familiar. She swallows thickly, dread and fear grip her heart and her eyes are quivering—it’s Kaien-dono’s younger brother. </p><p>She can tell he recognizes her by his widening eyes that blaze in hatred, and he’s roaring, grabbing her kimono roughly, he grits out that she is the Shinigami that killed his brother. Hanatarō doesn’t believe it.</p><p>“It’s true.” She speaks, from his grip. “I killed Shiba Kaien. If you kill me, I will have no regrets.” She directs it at Ganju, and she actually hopes he follows through, she would much prefer this death over the Sōkyoku. The guilt that had been residing in her all these years floods out and she almost begs him.</p><p>Unfortunately, he’s not able to fulfill her wish because she feels her brother’s reiatsu pierce through the open door and it’s like a hollow’s snatched her by the throat, she’s frozen. Hanatarō resolves to hold Byakuya long enough for Ganju and her to escape and she’s tired of people getting hurt over her, she’s not <em> worth </em>it. But before she can run out, Ganju is stepping in front of Hanatarō.</p><p>It’s all getting to be too much.</p><p>Ganju hardly stands a chance against Byakuya but he’s holding on and she can’t do <em> anything </em> because the Senzaikyū has sucked her spiritual energy dry and it’s like being in gigai and she’s useless. He poses his sword and Rukia knows what he’s about to do and she’s screeching. She’s yelling and yelling, unable to move.</p><p>“Senbonzakura.”</p><p>Ganju’s body is littered with cuts, all oozing blood and Byakuya moves to finish him when a hand grabs his wrist. Ukitake-taichou is there and he’s asking why Byakuya has his zanpakutō out. He addresses Rukia, saying that it looks like she’s lost weight. Then suddenly, they’re all alert to a new spiritual pressure.</p><p>It’s him. She knows, as weak as her senses are. She’ll always know.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Yoruichi gets him away before he can injure himself further. He’s gotten stronger she realizes but her resolve has all but gone to shit. She had steeled herself, she had settled and he had ruined it, that idiot. Her execution has been moved forward, she’s not sad.</p><p>Perhaps it was the dream she had. She dreamt of that night, drenched in rain, her sword in her lieutenant’s chest. </p><p>That’s right, she's pathetic.</p><p>She’s not worth saving.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>She doesn’t sleep after the dream, she supposes she doesn’t really need to. Guards arrive to escort her to the Sōkyoku and they attach ropes to her neck. She’s found her resolve again, she’s fine. She’s fine.</p><p>They are walking across the bridge, and it’s faint but she feels a particular spiritual energy drop and she’s sure it’s Renji. She feels a chill crawl up her spine as a familiar pressure surrounds her, Ichimaru Gin. </p><p>“Good Morning, Rukia-chan.” He grins, it’s treacherous, sly. “I’m just here to...tease you a bit.” His smirk widens, and his eyes scrunch up in mirth.</p><p>“He’s still alive it seems, though he’ll probably die soon, that Renji.” He’s staring into the distance but she can’t help but feel as though he’s staring into her soul. “Poor Renji, he came all this way to save you, only to die.” </p><p>His snake-like gaze seeps into her pores and she’s in a tumultuous spin of hope and hope of death, it’s tiring, it’s fluctuating, thrumming in her bones. </p><p>“Why don’t I help you?”</p><p>Even her guards are shocked, stuttering out his name in confusion. She doesn’t understand, how? Why? Something swells in her chest—hope, faith—maybe, just maybe-</p><p>“Just kidding.” </p><p>Her face is dragged down by the sleepless nights and the bags surrounding them do little to mask the devastation in her eyes. She had given up, she had no regrets (maybe just one), but the slightest glimmer of hope had demolished her resolve, she wanted to <em> live</em>.</p><p>She screams.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>She’s a little offended at the measly audience that’s gathered for her execution. Not even her brother is among the handful of captains and lieutenants that are present. 2nd, 4th, and 8th Division captain and lieutenant are all that’s assembled for her death, she supposes it’s better than nothing.</p><p>She stands in front of Yamamoto Genryūsai, head of the Gotei 13 with little fear in her eyes, it’s a feat to behold, really. Here she stands all of 144 centimeters, regal in every sense of the word Kuchiki, ready to die.</p><p>Footsteps she’s become accustomed to, are moving towards her. She’s surprised, she doesn’t really expect Byakuya there and she’s still shaken by her encounter with Ichimaru Gin, but somehow his presence has dulled her nerves clawing at her throat. She chuckles inwardly, still, he does not look at her. </p><p>She has one request and one request only. Let the Ryoka go home safely. It’s naive of her to believe they’ll do as she asks but she uses the last of her hope and channels that into her wish, just. One thing. </p><p>She’s never hoped for anything in her life. There isn’t much to hope for when you’re brought up in the slums of Rukongai, she’s pragmatic, realistic, doesn't dare to dream of the future. Her life is was supposed to be practically eternal, and before she had gone to the human world, before she had met <em> him</em>, she was content with what she had. Sacrifice, penance, abandonment; they follow her, chained to her existence from the day she killed a man to the day she will die.</p><p>There’s an irony, a being of death—scared of it.</p><p>He relinquishes and promises they’ll be safe and she <em> prays</em>. She’s being lifted by blocks, spiritual energy holding her up right. She thinks of her friends (companionship) who have come to rescue her, she thinks of Renji (an old friend, perhaps still one now), she thinks of Kaien-dono (admiration), she thinks of Ichigo (friend, admiration, fondness, intimacy, warmth).</p><p>
  <em> Thank you. </em>
</p><p>“Goodbye.” </p><p>She feels nothing. Her eyes are closed and she’s waiting but, nothing. She can feel the heat emitting from the Kikōō, the roar of its flames whipping against her skin like a windy day and she looks up.</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>It’s always him. Always.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Her execution is swept to the side when Aizen’s plans are revealed. Being imprisoned in the Senzaikyū has rendered her powerless, she is futilely attempting to squirm out of Aizen’s clutches. The news that the Hōgyoku is buried deep in her soul, courtesy of Urahara, hurts more than she cares to admit. </p><p>He’d been kind, helpful when her and Ichigo needed it the most. She hadn’t been <em> invested </em> in their relationship but she wonders if the feeling of being used will be one she can forget, one that she can forgive. Rukia figures the darkness of Rukongai can find its way into the trenches of her life, it always can, slithering into the deepest crevices of her memories, in her soul, the way the Hōgyoku has been simmering, growing.</p><p>Her chest is heavy even when Aizen’s hand is pulling the orb out. It hasn’t manifested the way he wanted it to, the way the Kikōō was supposed to transform it and she thinks it's ironic, she can’t even be used properly.</p><p>Ichimaru is ordered to finish her off, and she curses, of all men to take her life, it had to be this one. Before his zanpakutō can make contact with her, she’s in someone’s arms, he’s turned her so the sword is lodged into his chest instead of hers and it’s—Byakuya.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The fight is over, but the battle is not won. Aizen, Ichimaru, and Tōsen have escaped with the Hōgyoku in tow and there is much to prepare for. But they must heal.</p><p>Orihime is tending to Ichigo’s wounds and Rukia is struggling against a very vehement 4th division member, she needs to go to her brother. He only lets her go after Unohana-Taichou beckons her over, he’s calling for her.</p><p>His voice comes out soft, but still calm and steady. He reveals that Hisana, his late wife, is her older sister. Rukia had been abandoned by her when she was a baby, Hisana couldn’t handle caring for her when she could barely provide for herself. She had gotten rid of her before even a spark of love, of attachment, could form. Once married to Byakuya, she had spent everyday searching for her, her illness impeding her greatly. She looked for her until the very day she died.</p><p>He’d gone against the elders when he married Hisana so when she passed, he swore on his parents' grave that he would never break another law. </p><p>She’s not angry, no, but there’s something sad about the shackles of abandonment that had been locked on her before she even remembers. She’s tethered to the recess of bleakness, the only reprieve is in the form of a Substitute Shinigami that hacks at the chains until they are brittle, and they crumble, and she’s surfacing.</p><p>Byakuya stares past her, at Ichigo.</p><p>“Kurosaki Ichigo, I thank you.”</p><p>His eyes turn back to hers and for the first time, he’s looking at her.</p><p>He slowly brings his hand up and carefully she grabs the calloused palm, cradling it gently, her hands are trembling. It's the first time she’s touched him since she’d become a Kuchiki, she’d always been rather tactile but after living in the Kuchiki Manor she had learned to live without, satisfied with an occasional hair ruffling from her lieutenant. Her small hands encase his larger one, and he’s still looking at her.</p><p>“Forgive me, Rukia.”</p><p>She does.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>She’s on a path she’d rather not remember. Her hand twitches, muscle memory remembering the thread of a shihakusho, the weight of a man dragging behind her. She walks.</p><p>The house is different, there’s a banner above the roof and the fists that towered the house previously are better defined, refurbished, but undoubtedly, Shiba. She can hear Ganju roaring at his sister before they see her and she forces herself to keep walking.</p><p>They both pause when they see her arrive, Ganju is far too happy to see her, he explains that she was the one Ichigo was trying to save, the one he did save. Kūkaku recognizes her, questions why she’s there, what she wants.</p><p>She bows.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I’ve been a coward, it took me all this time to face you.” Her voice wavers a bit, “I’m...so very sor-”</p><p>And she’s being punched in the head by Kūkaku.</p><p>“Ukitake told me everything. It wasn’t your fault. I had decided a long time ago...that if you apologized, I’d forgive you.”</p><p>Her back is facing Rukia, and she remembers looking at a similar back, one that held strength and warmth. She clenches her eyes shut, she won’t let the tears fall, she’s about to apologize again when another fist is barreling at her face. Her nose is throbbing and Kūkaku is annoyed, but the tears are drying.</p><p>“Oi, I knew you’d be here.”</p><p>She turns and sees Ichigo and Orihime. He’ll always know where she is.</p><p>She will stay in Soul Society, her time in the living world has rendered her reiatsu nearly empty, her gigai weakened her tremendously and so she will heal here, where she belongs.</p><p>They look at each other, always. He reads her, she reads him back, words aren’t necessary for this. He understands.</p><p>He leaves through the Senkaimon with the others and he thinks,</p><p>
  <em> The rain has stopped. </em>
</p><p>He knows the reason why.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Her stay in Soul Society is tough. She learns more about her past, about Byakuya, about her sister. It hurts. When she learns it is Byakuya that has prevented her from being a seated officer. She trained relentlessly, tirelessly. She is <em> strong</em>. And tired. So tired.</p><p>But she has forgiven him.</p><p>He vows to interfere no more and sometimes they even train. She reveals the name of her zanpakutō to him.</p><p>
  <em> Sode no Shirayuki. </em>
</p><p>Her zanpakutō is deemed the most beautiful in Soul Society.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>He’s back at school and he isn’t a fan of normalcy. It’s been less than a week and he’s already bored. Sure, he kills a few hollows every now and then but there’s no voice behind his back, yelling at him for being an idiot. There’s no juice boxes to open. There’s no Rukia. </p><p>There had been an incident with an Arrancar, he knows what little information Urahara has relayed to him. He’s mostly concerned about his hollow. It had emerged in his most recent loss, he had been beaten, badly and he nearly gave in.</p><p>His hollow is getting harder to control, it’s scaring him and he hardly fights with the reckless abandon he used to. He broods, his family notices, his friends notice, everyone notices. But one day there are rampaging rumors about the new kids, how they’re all <em> weird</em>. </p><p>He snorts, can’t get any weirder than an annoying, Chappy-maniac, shorty.</p><p>He walks into an empty classroom and turns when the door slams open. His mouth drops because that is most certainly Tōshirō, Rangiku, Ikkaku, Yumichika, and Renji looming behind him so clichely Yakuza, except Ikkaku and Renji are probably the only ones that fit that description. He’s dumbfounded because not one of them is even <em> trying </em> to blend in and his head is literally empty, he’s so <em> confused</em>.</p><p>But then he feels it. A reiatsu he’s come to know, come to seek. His is always reaching out, searching.</p><p>He’s found her.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>He’s got a look on his face, she knows that look, she hates it. She jumps into a kick with all the gracefulness and poise of the Kuchiki clan, sending him into Renji’s arm and she’s hitting him and his Shinigami form is being ejected out his body before he can even blink.</p><p>She’s on his back, directing him towards something. He doesn’t know but he listens, though he’s not hiding his indignation in any shape or form.</p><p>Rukia sends him flying toward a hollow and he’s pathetically engaging, barely dodging, meek swings. She’s yelling and he’s pissed, just when he’s about to finish it, his body recoils in a feeling of darkness he fears will seep into his eyes.</p><p>“Ever since you lost to those Arrancar, you haven’t taken the form of a Shinigami once!” She’s standing there, stance wide, arms crossed, eyes burning.</p><p>“Chad got hurt. Inoue got hurt. So what? Have you always been someone who loses their spirit over that?” </p><p>His arm is bleeding and he’s <em> dodging </em> but.</p><p>“Is it scary to lose?” <em> yes. </em></p><p>“Is it scary not being able to protect your friends?” <em>yes.</em></p><p>“...Or is it scary to face the hollow inside you?” Her voice is clear and reigns above the clanging of his sword, he turns and looks because that is what they do, her eyes bore into his, with conviction and trust.</p><p>“If you’re afraid of losing, just get stronger. If you’re afraid of not being able to protect your friends, get stronger until you can protect them. If you’re afraid of your hollow, then just get stronger until you can crush him. If you don’t want to listen to others, then hold your head up and yell those words to yourself!”</p><p>His heart is pounding in his ears, her eyes are bright, uncompromising.</p><p>“That’s the kind of man you have been in my heart, Ichigo!”</p><p>As suddenly as they arrived, the clouds wither away, they stand no chance against the light that Rukia brings into his life. She burns a little brighter, she always has. </p><p>She stops the rain, she’s the sliver of sunlight that breaches the clouds after a storm, she’s the light of a full moon that illuminates the darkest of corners, she’s his savior in every sense of the word, and he, hers.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>And so they’re waiting for the impending battle with Aizen, he knows he must grow stronger, but he’s pretty content with what he’s got.</p><p>With Rukia back at school the rumors are rampant, full-force, even Ikkaku has to choke at one he hears. Something about Kurosaki, masochist, bunnies, he doesn’t really want to know more. Again, though, something’s shifted.</p><p>They fight, as always, but it’s subdued, softer. He stares, his eyes are always on her back and several Sensei call him out on it but he can care less. He waits, waits for her to turn around and reprimand him with those eyes (and maybe that rumor Ikkaku heard isn’t so far off). They’re always gone at lunch, he sweeps her away to some secluded corner of the school, his fingers entangled with hers, his reiatsu reaching out, finding solace in familiar warmth.</p><p>Sometimes she’ll sleep, head in his lap as he reads, because she had been on a particularly gruesome patrol the night before. Sometimes it’s him. They alternate patrol and naps during lunch, her fingers brush through his hair and his trace circles onto her shoulder. Ikkaku tells them to get a room, Ichigo doesn’t know how to tell him that they technically do—a room and a closet but.</p><p>She doesn’t sleep in the closet anymore. He sleeps while she’s on patrol but it is a controlled slumber, alert, waiting to tangle his reiatsu with her’s—he finds that he’s <em> missing </em> her even when she’s on patrol and quite frankly it’s getting a little ridiculous. But she always swoops back in through his window, silently but he always knows. She’ll shower and clamber under the covers, (she’s still using his nice vibes shirt and he’s sick of it, sick) their reiatsu find each other, and they’re home. </p><p>His eyes are always sleepy, looking at her and she always rolls her eyes. His eyes search until they connect with her’s, it's what they do.</p><p>Satisfied to see her unharmed, he pulls her close and she shifts, they meld together. Like two puzzle pieces they match each other, they blend, they bleed into each other’s souls.</p><p>Rukia thinks of the chains that bind her to her past, she’s forgiven, she’s grown. She thinks of loss, endurance, sacrifice; words attached to her very being that have been altered, replaced somehow. Acceptance, faith, happiness; she wonders when she stopped questioning if she deserved those feelings.</p><p>She doesn’t know exactly when, but she knows who.</p><p>She looks at Ichigo, he looks back.</p><p>it's what they do.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>fin.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this got longer than i expected but writing this as made me realize what a dick all the SS men were in the beginning lol i love them i do but damn. </p><p>also, a lot of the dialogue does come from the manga/anime, ichiruki is <i>so</i> canon, kubo can shove it.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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